this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
