Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
