Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
