I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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