Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Randomize
