we have officially lost it.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
