Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
