apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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