i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Randomize
