Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
