My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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