ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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