last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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