I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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