so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
