Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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