He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
You've changed since you got that strap on
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
