ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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