Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
we have pet lesbian snakes
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
