the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
