We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
