She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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