My liver just broke up with me...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Randomize
