I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
