absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
