the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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