member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
