I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
