Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
