I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
