You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
