Only a mothe r could love this liver
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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