for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
