Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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