I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
