No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
