i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You're like the curious george of whores
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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