Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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