I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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