i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
