I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
