Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
