as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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