If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
