Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
