i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
