i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Randomize
