Your mouth is God's brothel.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Randomize
