1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
