dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
