I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
too bad you live with your parents still
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
